The most ridiculous dating advice ever (as told by Wikihow)
If you haven’t delved into the world of Wikihow you really are missing out on a treat; it’s a strange place, filled with painfully simple (and more often than not very questionable) step-by-step guides on how to do (literally) anything. Want to put up a shelf? Or perhaps you’re looking to learn how to prepare for doomsday? When it comes to Wikihow, anything goes.
If you haven't been lucky enough to find someone to take out for an overpriced meal this Valentine’s Day, don’t be disheartened. Wikihow is here with some A* dating advice (sort of) so you can become a first-class Casanova in no time.
How to be hot
Let’s start with the basics, shall we? According to Wikihow:
“These tips on how to be hot will take your pick-up artistry to the next level. Instead of having to beg women to go out with you, they'll be competing for your attention.”
“Smile with a closed mouth, and don't smile too widely. Also, let one corner of your mouth go slightly higher than the other.”
It worked for Elvis Presley, right? There is, of course, the risk of looking like you’re having a stroke… probably not so hot.
“Develop a sexy voice: Avoid imitating radio announcers and newscasters. Instead, imitate the voice of a sexy man in cinema. The ladies will turn just to see who's talking, and they will melt when you engage them in conversation”
“Walk with some space between your legs and move more slowly. You'll exude confidence with your swagger, and you'll drive women crazy.”
Or you’ll look like you’ve s**t your pants. Sexy.
“Remember that if she gives you a strange look after you use manners, it's probably because not as many people do that nowadays.”
Not at all because she thinks you're a total nutcase...
How to pick up girls walking down the street (AKA how to look like a massive creep)
So you’ve got your “hot” look down, now you're ready to put it to the test.
“Most women will be put off by a man (or woman) slouching on a street corner, calling out to various girls as they walk by. No one enjoys being harassed in the street! Even though you may actually just be walking around aimlessly looking for girls, it’s best to have some kind of destination in mind, in case an opportunity for conversation or an invitation arises (“I was just on my way to the Farmer’s market, would you care to join me?”)”
Yes, because dressing like a pimp and asking a stranger in the street to follow you somewhere is a sure fire way to dating success…
“You can either walk quickly to catch up to her, or follow her until she reaches a crosswalk and has to stop. Walk a few blocks if you have to, in order to approach her in a calm and natural fashion. Do not tap her on the back or startle her from behind. This can come across as threatening.”
Can anyone please explain what is “calm and natural” about this situation!? There are so many things wrong with this image... Look at the poor woman’s face. And what is the guy doing!? He looks like he's about to reach in his pocket for a chloroform rag.
“Pay her a specific compliment” Try: your hair is amazing what would you call that shade?”
How to pick up women on Facebook (AKA how to look like a massive cyber creep)
It’s 2018. Why would you even bother going out to look like a weirdo in front of women when you can do so from the comfort of your own home!?
But forget Tinder...
“Facebook is the player's hunting ground when it comes to women as some would phrase it. There's girls just waiting for someone to come along and swoop in for them. This is how it can be done.”
Gosh, we've really been missing a trick here...
“Make sure your profile picture or any other pictures are "on point." and displays your best features such as your eyes, personality or something interesting. By the grace of god, if you can get other women to post on your wall, get them to post on your wall, this shows competition.”
BY THE GRACE OF GOD!!!
“If you have the confidence and the balls to go and just post on her wall, go ahead and do it. Something like: "Hi! I really like your pictures. It makes me remember what an angel looks like.”
Yep. Nothing creepy about that.
"Know how to approach her. " Hey, I added you because you looked familiar but I don't think I've actually talked to you before but we don't really know each other much, you look pretty interesting and we may have a lot in common.” Is a good example."
Smooth operator. This guy has a serious way with words.
“But for the love of god, don't poke. NEVER POKE.”
Because that would seem creepy...
How to date a celebrity
Have you ever wondered how normal people manage to get a celebrity partner? Not because they were in the right place at the right time, but because they followed this guide on Wikihow, obviously.
“Be aware that most celebrities date other famous people, but not always in the same industry. Increase your chances of attracting a celebrity by becoming famous at one of these jobs: Actor, Writer, Politician, Entrepreneur.”
Time to quit your day job...
“Try to date someone else famous if a celebrity rejects you. Try again with another celebrity. Try to date someone less famous. Remember that you’ll be up against enormous competition if you try to date one of the most famous celebrities.”
So things didn't work out with Rihanna? You could always try pulling someone from Love Island instead?
In case things don't work out
In the unlikely event that none of this brilliant advice works for you, and you find yourself dateless at your next family gathering once again, here's how to pretend you're in a relationship.
Happy Valentines Day!